Wish I Had a Mother Superior Sometimes

I feel like God gave me an epiphany on the Feast of the Epiphany yesterday (Although yes, technically, I know, it is not until this Wednesday.)

[At Mass] Somewhere during between the "Sanctus" and the "Amen", my mind got lost. I was just really consumed with worry: What if I'm not a good mom? What if something goes wrong with my child? What if I don't raise them to be good Christians? Etc. Etc. Etc. Although the whole world with very good intentions will tell you that "You are going to do fine", you still can't help these thoughts from crossing your mind sometimes, especially as a first time momma.

And somewhere between the "Sanctus" and the "Amen", I forgot how good and wonderful God is. For it was then, He gave me a gentle reminder that He has it taken care of. You know that tug. That "Be Still and Know that I am God" vibe. Sometimes I forget that I don't have to have everything right, that I don't have to know everything, that I don't have to be PERFECT! Sometimes I forget to give Him control. And sometimes I forget that He didn't put me into this vocation to abandon me, but to sanctify me.

With my husband going away for deployment soon after the baby is born, my nerves are definitely still there. I just pray that God reminds me of His Goodness in times that I forget, and I repeat my last blog, it will be by the example and help of Mary that I will learn the love and vocation of a mother. Still wish I had a Mother Superior to shake me to my senses sometimes though. Hahaha.

Tomorrow we find out if we're having a boy or a girl (Hey, Mary and Joseph knew that they were having a boy during her pregnancy. I know, TOTALLY different. But still.) I know in the blog that my husband and I share, we said we wouldn't share the names but yes, we already picked names. Not too many family members read this particular blog, so I'll go ahead and share them, hahaha:

For a boy, Anthony Santino. I love Saint Anthony & it is also the name of Mark's grandfather. And Santino means "Little Saint". And no, we didn't get inspiration from "The Godfather" movie... although it is a funny thing to joke about. And pleeeeease, don't call him "Tony". Haha.

For a girl, Maristella Giovanna. "Maris Stella" is Latin for "Star of the Sea". It is one of the names for Mary and a devotion commonly used by those Catholics in the Navy. Giovanna is the name after Mark's grandmother.

We'll see at the ultrasound tomorrow! Until then....

Maris Stella, ora pro nobis.

Give thanks to the LORD who is good, whose love endures forever! - Psalm 107:1

Pregnancy Brain is a Kick in the Pants

"Pregnancy brain is a condition that affects expectant mothers, usually during the first and third trimesters. Sometimes known as placenta brain or baby brain drain, the condition is usually characterized by short-term memory loss or forgetfulness..." - WeekGeek.com

Being pregnant for the first time, to say the least, has been humbling. I forget things. I'm really clumsy. I throw up a lot at the most random times in the most random places. I'm emotional and cry at just about anything. I have cravings at odd hours. I get nauseous often and have to cancel plans. Plus, most people say I don't even look pregnant so I can't but wonder if I simply look like I have "gained a few pounds" around my mid-section.

The other day, as I was heaving up 3 flights of stairs to our apartment, I thought "How in the world did Mary do it?" And I just sat there at our dining room table, dazed about it. She traveled to see her cousin, Elizabeth, within the 1st trimester. Traveled back in the 2nd trimester. Then, rode on a donkey to Bethlehem in the 3rd trimester (The Holy Family continues to amaze me now that Mark & I are in the Sacrament of Matrimony). For me, as a sinner, it's hard for me to even imagine doing all of that on top of being clumsy, forgetful, emotional, hungry & heavy. The last 16 weeks has really forced me to surrender more of my ways (i.e. planner, organizer, in-control) and to focus more on my divine call to being & serving as a mother and a wife. I'm like that "Busy Martha" in Scripture, when I should be more of a "Listening Mary".

Our Lady has to teach me the ways of Holy Motherhood. I need a lot of Divine Assistance. Pray for me!

Crown of Crowns

I will hide from people's eyes whatever good I am able to do so that God himself may be my reward. I will be like a tiny violet hidden in the grass, which does not hurt the foot that treads on it, but diffuses its fragrance and, forgetting itself completely, tries to please the person who has crushed it underfoot. This is very difficult for human nature, but God's grace comes to one's aid.

Diary of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, 255

The Marians of the Immaculate Conception have a part of their website that consist of a "Daily Revelation" from Saint Faustina's diary. The above quote was the one for today.

The Sainthood Project

So, my Twitter friends, I have been following the tweets of Todd Lemieux, the creator of the "Sainthood Project". He recently tweeted about his latest blog, and boy, was it something that I needed to read. I've been struggling with striving to love as Christ loves. You can blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but I just legitimately think that there has been some bitterness in my heart with people who have hurt me or just test my patience in general.

Here is what I read:

"If we wait for some people to become agreeable or attractive before we begin to love them, we will never begin." -- Thomas Merton

To love the people in your life that make it easy is nothing. There are people all over the world who do great things for the ones around them that make them feel good, that make them laugh, that they are drawn to.

What makes you different in your living example?

The embrace of the social leper?

The ability to tolerate someone who everyone else rejects, and perhaps for good reason?

If we pray for the ability to love, then we have to realize that God is going to test us by giving us situation after situation where sacrificing what we want for the good of the other is impossible for us as human beings. This is when we have to rely on the Grace of God. Ask for the ability to love and suddenly that love is tested in fire and we find that loving when it is convenient is hardly the greatest love.

Loving when your patience is gone, when you are on your last nerve, when you just don't think that you can give any more.

That's love.

That's the type of love that is found in the parent who is worn out at the end of the day who still lovingly kisses the children and puts them in bed.

That's the type of love that is found in the friend who continues to support a friend, even after a betrayal.

That's the type of love that forgives the worst transgressions.

That's the type of love that would embrace a cross.

Hardly convenient, but at the same time, just what God wants of us because that is the type of love that changes the world.

Well said, Todd.

I'm starting to read "The Power of a Praying Woman" again. God has somehow blessed her (the author) to somehow pull out the right Scripture verses for each struggle. I think between the pregnancy and my husband being out to sea, the enemy really does just try to get in there and poke where you are most vulnerable. Not cool. Thank God that He has given me a good support system to keep me accountable.

C'mon, heart, it's time to get you back in check.

Simply Put

"Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius."
- Archbishop Fulton Sheen